Sunshine, Angels & Rainbows

Today we have sunshine.  I'm not sure if there is relevance in that or not.

I however have a Sunshine Baby.  Do you know what that is?  My Sunshine baby is my firstborn.  Born when I had no idea really that babies could die.  It was 2004 - of course they couldn't.  It wasn't something I had ever heard of people talking about.  Perhaps it happened to people because they had done something wrong, or because they had been in an accident.  At any rate, it didn't happen to people like me, and I never considered the possibility.  I got past the 'safe' 12 week mark, and never had another thought about it.  My baby was born happy and safely and he is now 10 years old.

Well I have learnt something in that 10 years.  Babies can die.  Babies do die.  And its not because people may have done something wrong.  And its not because they have been in an accident.  Its just cos.  Babies can die, just cos.  Just cos of bad luck.  Just cos of a million different reasons, alot of which we will never know.  A lot of which we cannot prevent.  It sucks.  Its awful.  Its life changing.  Its forever.  It will never be ok.  People will try and tell you it will be ok.  But you know what?  It will never be ok that my baby died.  Ever.  Its just not ok.  How could it be?    Time will pass.  It will get easier.  Then it will get harder again.  You will learn to live with the fact.  But you will never understand why it had to happen to you, and it will never be ok.

Life isn't all sunshine.  Sadly.  Once you realise this, you will never be the same.  If you are lucky enough to get pregnant again, pregnancy will never be the same.  It will be filled with questions, filled with terror, filled with the unknown.  You have lost your innocence because you know, that no matter how you try, and what you do, you cant always protect that little baby growing in your stomach.  You know, that babies die.  It fills your thoughts and consumes your mind.  Days can drag and weeks can drag.  You live moment by moment until you reach milestones.  There are many to reach.  12 weeks.  24 weeks.  28 weeks.  The gestation your baby died.  Every week over 30.  Full term.  Sometimes you have to take it minute by minute.  Sometimes if you are lucky you can live day to day.  Sometimes a week might even pass and suddenly you'll be another week along.  Pregnancy after loss is a very difficult journey.  Birth after loss is a very difficult journey.  All you want is to hold that baby in your arms.

Then there is the Rainbows.  You love your rainbow like nothing on earth.  You feel guilty about this too.  You know you are experiencing things with your rainbow that you missed out on with your Angel.  That makes you sad.  But happy too because you do get to see your rainbow do these things.  Then guilty that you are happy.  Your rainbow makes you happy, and brings some light back into your life.  But its still not ok.  Sometimes it gets harder again.  Sometimes time passes and everything seems normal.  Then you realise time has passed and things have felt normal and you feel sad and guilty about that.  This is the new normal.  Where everything is confusing and mixed up and wrong, but there is also newfound happiness and joy.  But in that there is something missing.  Someone missing.  And there always will be.  Missing from Earth, but held tight in our hearts.

My Sunshine, Angel and Rainbow - all held in my heart.